Let’s not waste time talking about how Jem and the Holograms is yet another live-action reboot of a lesser known Hasbro property (in this instance, the short-lived pop star animated series Jem). Let’s also not waste time talking about how the film has bombed at the Worldwide Box Office, making back not even half of it’s £5 million budget.

No, instead, let’s talk about how utterly dismal this film is. Let’s talk about how completely soul-less the whole she-bang is. Let’s talk about it’s shameful stock cardboard characters and its paper-thin plot. Let’s talk about the awfully ham-fisted dialogue the characters spout, the bland plot they find themselves thrust into, and the sheer stupidity of events depicted, all of which would never happen in such a way here in the real world. Oh, and let’s definitely talk about how we’re expected to buy into both a rags-to-riches Pop star story as well as a rubbish sci-fi quest plot involving a beat-boxing robot!

Jem & the Holograms Review

Let’s talk about the film’s warped point of view, one which champions individual creative thought and expression, and yet features its protagonists bellowing out songs that sound almost completely like any other song that would be released today. Let’s talk about the awkward YouTube video clips cut in during key scenes to emphasize the drama of the moment, which only serves to distract from said-moment. And while we’re at it, let’s talk about that embarrassing mid-credits scene which so desperately tries to set up a sequel that it most certainly will never get.

Oh, and while we’re here we should certainly talk about the horrible hammy acting, the cruddy soundtrack, the frankly bogus love interest shoved in as an afterthought, and the rushed emotional dilemmas that last all of 5 minutes before they are resolved in awkward fashion.

But of course, really, we don’t want to talk about this film whatsoever. Because Jem and the Holograms is complete, hundred-percent garbage.